As I went to write this, Denielle asked me if it was going to be funny. Before I could answer, she could tell by the look on my face that it wasn't. So for those of you who want to read something funny, quit being selfish and just read my sob story! :)
As you can see, I haven't written since Wednesday. That's because Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I wrestled with the same issues. Miss S is very frustrating for me. To me, there's a difference between letting a kid be a kid and allowing them to make mistakes but correcting them and their behaviors. I have not found the correct balance with this or possibly even the right philosophy.
She does things that, if she were an adult, she'd never have any friends. She's constantly talking to seek attention. When she does that, she spends most of that time exaggerating (grossly), at best, and lying, at worst. Or she wants to touch whatever you have in your hand or do whatever you're doing. I want to let her be a part of activities and such, but sometimes enough is enough. This has given me a hard heart towards her. My interactions have been very cold at times and I know I treat Lil C kinder and gentler than I do Miss S.
God decided He'd seen enough and decided to give me a swift kick in the pants. Today at church, Tyler was teaching towards the end of Ephesians 3. He talked about the fact that we serve a mighty God. A God whose presence elicits fear from those in His sight. In spite of that overwhelming physical presence, He shows a tremendous amount of compassion, grace, and intimacy to His people. It's like my old football coach said during my freshman year: I'm the nicest guy you'll ever meet...off the football field, and the meanest guy you'll meet on it. Of course God isn't mean, but you get the picture.
From that message, I found God telling me to focus on sharing the gospel with Miss S instead of trying to correct every little behavior. I have no idea how long she'll be with us, but any foster parent can teach her to tell the truth, say please and thank you, and talk to adults respecfully. We may be the only parental figures she has who love Jesus and want others to know about Him.
Please pray that I will be patient, not only with Miss S, but also myself. I expect to see huge gains but it's only been 3 weeks compared to 7 years. Also, pray for these kids. They haven't seen or talked to their mom in 3 weeks. Pray that she will come to the visitation this Tuesday. Miss S has started to say that she misses her mom and wants to see her.
Thanks for your prayers and taking an interest in this new family. And don't be shy about reading comments. I read them all and pass them on to Denielle.
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Nick,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. I love your honesty and I know exactly how you feel. I'm glad that I'm not the only one who struggles with this. Loving a child who isn't yours and who you haven't had the opportunity to bond with since birth is very difficult sometimes. I have an 8 year old at home that drains me everyday. It is not always easy showing love to a child who can be frustrating and annoying. I went into fosterparenting thinking that I could love any child and that it wouldn't be that hard to love on them when you consider all that they are going through and have already been through. Then 6 months ago, I found out that wasn't true and it is still something that I wrestle with. Thankfully God supplies me with enough love each day to pass on. I know without a doubt that without God there is NO way I could be a fosterparent. I still screw up all the time, but amazingly enough God still uses me. Sometimes He really surprises me. Days when I think that I'm failing miserably, he chooses to bless me. One day in particular stands out in my mind. I had a terrible morning with my 8 yr old, and to make a long story short she told my mom that day that she thought I did fostercare because that is what God asked me to do. I learned that even when I screw up and am too hard on her or feel like I just have nothing left to give her, God can still use me. Anyway, I really appreciate your honesty and know all too well the struggle that you are dealing with. I will definitely be praying for you. I know that fosterparenting is quite a ride. Hang in there, I'm sure you guys are doing just great! -Crystal Boettcher
There are two thoughts that keep me going throughout the day: 1, Life is temporary and heaven will be awesome; 2, Gal 2:20. My life is not actually mine. God has given me this life and the ability to know Him. Knowing Him means doing what He asks me to do because He has my best interests in mind.
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