I love you! Thank you...

I don't have a problem telling someone I love them. If it's a good guy friend of mine, I just spit it out in the most non-gay way I can and they understand. If I'm talking to my wife, it's pretty much whenever I want to say it or think she needs to hear it. With my brother, it's only happened a couple times and the last time was at his wedding.

With these kids, Lil C probably doesn't even understand what it means. Miss S; not sure about her either. One thing I know is that she likes to say it to us now. For the past couple weeks, she's been saying it to Denielle. Denielle has followed suit and said it back to her. Last week, she said it to me for the first time. I really didn't know what to say. I knew what I didn't want to say, however, so I just said "Oh, thank you!" and gave her a hug.

Before you throw me under the bus, understand that those 3 words mean a great deal to me, especially in this situation. When the doctors told us about our very low chances of having kids, my brain said "OK, this door is shut so let's move on to the next one." I knew I was going to miss the football throws in the backyard and/or the first dance at my daughter's wedding. I have always wanted those things. Denielle and I even had a name picked out for our first future son and daughter. If we decided to adopt a newborn with no name, I wouldn't give that baby one of our predetermined names. There's an emotional attachment to those names that I'm not ready to give up...and I might not ever be there.

So when I thought about saying "I love you" to Miss S, there wasn't much thought there. I didn't want to say it, period. My "I love you"'s to little boys and girls are reserved for my biological kids. It's the same feeling I have with my mom. When she died and my dad remarried, his wife didn't just become my stepmother. The "mother" term is reserved for the woman who gave birth to me and raised me.

Miss S said "I love you Nick" probably 10 times last weekend and I never returned it. I couldn't. Denielle talked to me on Monday night and asked me to really consider saying it to her for her benefit. I told her I'd think about it. The next day I spent a lot of time thinking about it and decided to tell Denielle what was on my mind. I don't think I ever really grieved the idea that I will never be able to tell my own son or daughter that I love them. I will never get out of bed at 2 in the morning to rock my son back to sleep or tell my daughter that she has nothing to be scared of...daddy will protect her. I will never be able to call them by their names. I will never get to hear someone else say their names with pride. I'll never see HEADLEY written on the back of a jersey or in a wedding program.

I know that I have love for these kids. Otherwise, I wouldn't be doing this. And there's nothing they've done to earn it. After talking with Denielle, I realized that Miss S needed to hear it. As we were getting out of the truck Monday night, she said "I love...California." I had no idea where that came from. Denielle told me that she probably wanted to say that she loves me but had felt rejected over the weekend because I didn't return it so she decided against it.

Tuesday morning, I dropped her off at school. As she was getting out of the truck, I bent down and gave her a hug like I always do. I told her "Have a great day...I love you." You're probably waiting to read that she had this big smile on her face. She didn't. I think she was very surprised. Later that night, she gave me a hug as I was putting her to bed and said "I love you Nick." I said it back and her hug got a little tighter.